Letting Go

Having difficulty "practicing what I preach" these past several days. Saw this photo. *sigh* Letting go of my fears feels impossible, I'm going through my process. It's been ten days, however, and I'm struggling to find peace. I sat quietly this morning and thought about it - the programmed loop that keeps pushing me down emotionally. I recognize I'm a disaster, and am determined to take over my mind and get those thoughts OUT. At least break the non-stop flow of thoughts.

I can't stop my brain entirely. But I'm determined to stop, actively breathe and ground myself in the moment. Like meditation - being aware of everything in that moment: sounds, scents and surroundings. Actively being in the moment helps to lessen the hold of my sadness and anxiety...though it still takes a lot of energy to focus at least I'm not wallowing. Even as I write this I'm struggling with tears. At least I've made the effort to look at my thoughts & fears, step one of getting my mind back in gear. My mantra never quit hums quietly.

Happiness is...

Find a way to be happy by doing, by being you, not by waiting for permission or being the person you are expected to be.  Ask yourself what you want - what do you love the most??  Answer that and you have already started your journey.  But often life gets busy and we lose ourselves and sight of what is important.  Things happen and we sometimes get lost and bruised...losing focus of purpose.

I found myself struggling with a personal experience, and the desire to hide away was powerful.  I have amazing people in my life who gently brought me forward and quietly reminded me that there is hope.  Oh yeah...I have purpose.  I fell apart but was glued together with the love and light of dear friends and family.  Point is, if we all give in to our struggles, we cannot lean on each other when it is needed the most.  We all carry our own burdens, but somehow we stop and set them down to help a friend.  I find being there for others brings peace, if not joy in my time of healing.  I know it will return.

If you find yourself drifting, search within.  Find the spark of essence that is yours alone and that light will guide you.  If you find yourself struggling, do not shut out the world.  Please reach out for help, even if it is simply speaking with someone about your experience: you begin to realize you are not alone with that burden.  It eases...with time and with sharing.  When we find peace with ourselves and strive to achieve whatever we are here on this earth for, we become shining beacons for all who surround.

Courage & Joy

It's been a long journey since my last post.  Not so much a length of time but in life itself.  Gains and losses have shaped my close friends & family in ways I never expected.  So off we are on the path of opportunity that each day brings, with shared hope and faith in the future.

I always write and speak about about seeing the positives, and never giving up...but like anything, it's often harder to accomplish at times.  It's a matter of finding the courage to get up and go forward: even if we begin by going through the motions, the enthusiasm will come.  Seek joy in helping others, and you will find it within.

Push

My Grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's yesterday.  WHAM...I was broadsided with the reminder that the circle of life continues, no matter how much we wish people wouldn't age.  Alzheimer's is an incredibly amazing disease, seemingly wiping the brain clean as it progresses.  I have a very special bond with this spunky woman, and admire her life, her spirit, and hope someday to accomplish a fraction of what she has done. 

I am only the second generation of American born children on this side of my family.  Mary came here at 16 from Czechoslovakia, once telling me she spoke more German than Slovak due to WWII.  My seemingly fearless Grandma raised 5 children on a dairy farm in rural NE Ohio, and is well known in the community for her baking and cooking skills.  I sat last night, tearful and afraid of this disease that has once again entered my life. 

I can hear her scolding me to get out my rosary and do something about it.  The best gift she ever gave me was unintentional, and she led by example.  No matter what happened, her faith has always been unwavering.  I was distracting myself today on Facebook when my page refreshed and a photo posted said PUSH: Pray until something happens.  Lesson reminded.  Nothing a little faith can't help.

Belief

Losing a friend 3 weeks ago really has taken a toll. I've avoided, grieved, ignored, cried, laughed, gazed, cleaned, sat, read, slept, gardened and fought with writer's block since. Nothing like a little pain in the heart to disrupt any routine. More not-so-great news today, a few tears, some old frustrations, a chat with a friend who has been there for over 20 years, and more prayers than I've said in the past decade combined. Why is it when we were kids we would dance in the rain, but as adults we huddle and wait out the storm? I am determined to put on my dancing shoes again. I believe I'll start with a list.

I believe.

I believe that everything matters.

I believe that it’s okay to want to be a kid again.

I believe that I'll always by my daddy's little girl and my mama's baby of the family.

I believe that my mom was my life's greatest teacher. She’s wonder woman.

I believe that my dad is the smartest, strongest, most amazing man that I will ever know. He's my super hero.

I believe my sister will always be my first best friend.

I believe in splashing in puddles, barefoot. In the rain.

I believe in Southern grit, and sweet tea as a cure-all.

I believe that we were all put on this Earth for a reason – even if that reason takes a lifetime to discover.

I believe in forever love.

I believe in quality over quantity.

I believe that wine is therapeutic when shared with your best friend.

I believe in the kind of friendship that allows you to cry together, snort with laughter and sometimes just sit with quiet understanding.

I believe that meditation on a Harley time behind the lens of a camera is better than time with a shrink.

I believe in grace even though at times I have none.

I believe in the power of faith.

I believe that sunrise and sunset can renew the soul.

I believe in respect and dignity – you get what you give.

I believe that some things can't be taken back.

I believe that forgiveness is a gift, but not an approval of what was.

I believe in understanding, and the knowledge that this too shall pass.

I believe in miracles.

I believe in angels disguised as animals.

I believe in laughter, creativity, old movies, blues and 1940's music.

I believe in Doc Martens, harness boots, trail shoes and bare feet.

I believe in running trails, riding bareback and mountain hiking.

I believe in dirty jeeps, muddy boots, bandanas, ripped jeans and campfires.

I believe in mother nature.

I believe we are never lost, just wandering and forgetting to enjoy the view.

I believe in the power of being an individual. Of being me.

I believe.

Addie

My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am.  ~Unknown

Self-pity. Loss. How to cope when the heart feels like it's been gouged out? Tearful remembrances, memories, click through my brain like a slideshow.  For a woman in my 30's I have truly been lucky to have loved and not known much loss.  But when it looms like the shadow of an eclipse, I feel overwhelmed and find the tears just don't stop.  I have been fortunate to learn that to love, and be loved in return is a great gift.

Two golden brown eyes and a heart of gold met mine.  I can't say it was love at first sight, more a sense of a kindred spirit...a bond of understanding.  I was barely 20 years old, and determined to get a forever love.  But it wasn't diamonds I was searching for....I wanted a dog.  My old girl at the time "Do" (nicknamed so because she didn't DO anything) was in her teens, and though I had picked her out and brought her home in my pre-teens, she had adopted my mom.  I wanted a friend to run with.  A big dog...because they always seem to be in need of homes.

So I found myself at the Orlando SPCA, making the circuit of kennels, wondering how I could choose just ONE when so many needed homes.  At first I walked right by her kennel, because there was a little yappy dog that was non-stop motion and sound.  On my way back through, I paused and wondered about this little yapper (did it EVER sit still??) when I looked underneath of the commotion.  There she was...laying down, seemingly wondering the same as I about her roommate.  Per my request, she was brought into the visiting area.

She was shy, terribly so.  But heart recognized heart, and I fell in love with her giant shepherd ears.  The breed, as a puppy, is comically disproportionate with giant paws and ears to match.  At 6 months of age, this golden beauty had fairly dainty paws but she was Yoda-esque in regard to her ears.  I finished my allotted time, and drove home - alone - (sigh) to ask my parents again if I could adopt.  I went back twice more to see her, because the adoption process took longer than I hoped.  I signed everything, but was informed that she was required to undergo her spay operation before I brought her home. 

When the big day arrived, I had purchased a new leash and collar set, matching bowls and the assorted goodies she might need or want.  She was unsteady coming out to the car, and then outright refused to get into the back seat - to my horror she attempted to jump out (not conducive to fresh incisions).  She was nearly half my size at fifty pounds, but I hefted her into the front seat and buckled her in.  The family laughed at her ears when she arrived home, and I finally wondered to my mom if she would ever grow into them.  She did.  (At least to mommy).

Nearly 13 years ago she joined my family as a young pup with an air of grace, a zest for pulling my future husband on his roller blades simply because nobody could run that fast, and was a true connoisseur of cheese: she knew Kraft vs generic, and had a penchant for brie.  Loyal and loving, she seemed to smile with contentment and licked the glass doors as she wagged her tail to see her family.  Even after destroying weather stripping, drywall, trim, doorknobs, light switches and repeat attempts at concrete block.  I swear she had titanium teeth and jaws like a bear trap.

She had a definite separation anxiety, and was an everyday risk for my mom if she stopped abruptly.  She'd end up with a snout in odd and uncomfortable places at times, but never once have I heard a complaint from either lady.  Our family has been blessed by one of the most unconditional loves that can be shared.  The self-appointed matriarch of our little Florida clan has been the model of grace, and has watched over our growing family for 13 wonderful years.  You are loved, my Addie German Shepherd Girl.  And you will be missed.

Baby steps, lists, and effort...oh my! :D

I am usually my worst critic, and often times the person standing in my own way.  How on earth can a person stay on track with a good frame of mind?  Series of little steps, planning and using time wisely...in fact, I'll just post my list.  Have I mentioned how I love lists?  Read & get going!!  What are you waiting for? :)

• Frame of mind: the very first step is your brain.  Your thinking is the first baby step towards success.  Whether you think you can or cannot, you are usually right. -Henry Ford
  
  
• Preparation: being scattered to the four winds is not conducive to a smooth operation.  From making a simple peanut butter & jelly sandwich to lifelong goals, it is important to know what you need to get it accomplished.
  
  
• Action: prepare away, but if you don't move, you'll never get anywhere.  Sit at the bus station and watch the world go by, or get up and go. 
 

• Early bird: when my day starts early, I get so much more accomplished!

• Be effective & focus: spend time, it is not a renewable resource.  Make sure time is spent taking the steps you want.


• Trial & error: find out what works best and repeat it. Good things can become habits, too.


• 5 Skills to Master: concentrate, organize, innovate, communicate & choose wisely.
   
• Carpe Diem: Each day is a new opportunity to start again. 

• Happiness: sometimes we have to learn to be happy with nothing at all...find joy in simple and every day moments.  I love simplicity: baking a loaf of homemade bread, watching my husband walk through the door at the end of a day with a smile for me.

• Self-Confidence: even when I feel doubtful, I know I'm the only one with the power to change and be the person I want to be.  Fake it 'til you make it...my current situation with my garden.  I have no clue when to plant what.  But I did it, and I am learning.  Slow confidence is the sturdiest.

• "A" for Effort: make small efforts every day, they will add up.  Promise.  Just try, try, try again.  Get up, go, rinse, repeat!

• Hope: when you have hope, you have optimism.  Positive thinking will yield results, period.

• Come as you are: just begin where you're at.  Waiting for a sign?  If you don't travel, you'll never see one.

• Ask:  don't ever stop learning.  Always ask why.  Why not? Why not me?  Why not now?

• Do your best.  Forget the rest.